Awaken To Joy

Anger: Rise Above

"We truly believe you can rise up above anger. That is not to say we rise up above all of our anger. We are still human and, as such, anger will appear. But with a higher consciousness, we are able to see more perspectives; we understand more, therefore we are able to choose different avenues than anger. After all, traffic is merely a whole bunch of cars going the same direction you are; a slow line at the grocery store is just other people who are also buying groceries for their families; and children make mistakes all the time, as do we all. " ~ Awaken to Joy program

Today, at least for today, think of yourself as a better person. The kind of person who can put yourself in another person's shoes and imagine what they must be going through. Right now, in this world, there are a lot of people who are hurting. They are hurting because they are afraid. They are hurting because they are hungry. They are hurting because they are confused and don't know what will happen next. Take stock of your life and be grateful for everything you do have. Step away from your pride and ego and let yourself be the calm one or the compassionate one. Be the one that helps another human being simply because you can.

Humans have a tremendous ability to rush to the aid of others in traumatic situations- a baby in a well, hurricane victims, cancer patients, plane crashes. Yet if we don't visibly see the source of suffering we allow ourselves to get irritated if people don't act the way we want them to. Enough is enough. Just for today reach out to someone, ANY ONE. Be a better person than you normally are.

Anger: Think you don't ever get angry, huh?

I find that I get irritated or impatient a lot.  I've been working on it awhile (in this great program called Awaken to Joy!) and have made great strides.  Initially when I determined that anger was an issue for me I spent some time and got to the heart of it.  Why was I angry?  That was tremendously helpful.  Even if you can't change the causes of your anger, acknowledging what it us that is triggering those feelings can help you to move through whatever it is you are going through. 

After that process I found I still had a lot of anger like feelings.  I say "like" because it wasn't strong or obvious anger.  I was irritated, impatience, frustrated, annoyed.  These are what we refer to as derivatives, other emotions or feelings along the anger spectrum.  Maybe you never thought of these as related to anger?  They could be less strong anger feelings, or it could anger coming out differently specific to the situation.  For example, my kids tend to be slower than I want when getting ready to go someplace.  I may be concerned about getting to work on time.  I don't get really angry because I know they are not deliberately trying to cause an issue for me.  I also don't get really angry because I love them and don't want to hurt them.  But I do get frustrated and this frustration may come out as a stern tone, or strong words or even some yelling. 

It helps to know to know the related emotions and feelings to any strong emotion, be it anger, or sadness or even love.  You may say, "I don't get angry" when you still get jealous or irritated or resentful.  Just because you call it a feathered, waddling, flying animal doesn't mean it isn't also a duck. 

But why does this matter?  Expression, baby.  I had an encounter with someone once who said that she didn't get angry, or at least that anger wasn't a predominant emotion.  That may be true, but anger being one of our primary emotions it's one that's worth some exploration.  Ever try to find a house by driving down every street in town hoping that you'll run into it eventually?  The same thing can happen with your emotions.  You feel bad, you feel stressed, you struggle in relationships and you explore every path except potentially the one that can get to the root of the issue.  You cry, you berate yourself, you withdraw, you beg and plead.  You struggle to keep a happy face and rise above.  What you may be missing, is just getting good and mad.  This doesn't mean beating up the neighbor.  You can be mad without hurting anyone, including yourself.  It may be as simple as that acknowledgment.  Yes, I'm angry. 
Once you've found the house (or called it a duck!) you can let it go, say you've been there, and move on searching for another more lovely house, one called compassion.

Anger: Begins with Blame

One participant had a fascinating insight into her anger.  Her anger almost always started with blame.  In particular, she blamed others for not sensing her needs and, therefore, not fulfilling her needs.  I think many of us feel blame as well.  I know it resonated with me.  Even when I think about it in a “rational” moment, I can still feel as if my needs are “obvious” and any partially conscious person with feelings should be able to be sensitive to them. 

 

The interesting aspect about needs is they are incredibly individual.  One person may crave appreciation while the next could literally care less if anyone noticed their good works.  Another person my crave being alone while others need to be around people to feel calm.  We are all different, very different.  Just because others do not sense our needs does not make them insensitive, they just have other needs.  (Needs that you may very be missing because those needs are not on your radar.)

 

Be more proactive around expressing your needs.  Tell people what you need from them in an open, nonjudgmental way.  It could very well alleviate one of your pathways to anger!

 

Anger is About Being Right

I once hear someone say: “We cannot become angry unless we believe we are right.”  Is there anything to add to this one?  Think about your own life and when you feel angry.  It is true, isn’t it?  You feel you are right.  (I know, I know, you are thinking, “but I am!”) 

Anger: Residual Anger

Residual anger refers to holding onto irritation from one situation and allowing it to seep into another situation. Be careful with this one, it is insidious.  Residual anger can seep into a later encounter with the same person or it can come up in a seemingly unconnected situation with another person.  Residual anger erodes your heart, bit by bit.

 

One participant realized that it was residual anger that had crept into her relationship with her father.  He had done something earlier in the year that frustrated her and she hadn’t dealt with it completely, with him or with her.  Later in the year, another situation came up that was much milder, but her response was laden with the continued irritation from earlier. 

Sound familiar?  I think this is something we all do whether it is conscious or unconscious.  What to do?  Make amends.  Do what you need to do to make the situation right for you and the other person, if there is someone else.  If that doesn’t seem possible (you don’t feel safe with the other person or the other person is really a situation), then you can clear the anger within you.  First, fill yourself full of love, acceptance, and compassion.  If necessary, picture someone in your mind whom you love very much and let the feeling you have for that person fill your heart.  Then picture the challenging person or situation in front of you.  Send them all the love you are capable of sending.  The first time you do the exercise, you may find that you are only capable of sending 30 seconds of love and that is all.  Keep doing it daily for as long as it takes to feel full love for the person. 

I had a horrible run in years ago with someone that left me feeling angry and hurt.  Facing her again was completely out of the question at the time because of the rage she sent at me.  Being with her again felt very unsafe.  I did this exercise for 2 years before a felt a complete release of the anger I had.  It was well worth the effort.  The anger I had toward her was eating my heart (I didn’t begin the exercise for 4 years after the incident).  Initially, doing the exercise just helped me slow the negative slide and that was worthwhile in itself.  Ultimately, the love completely bathed the anger in light.   

Anger: Changing Ourselves

One Teleclass was especially lively with a debate over whether we can ever not be angry in certain situations – situations that are particularly horrible.  A few participants felt deeply that if a situation was terrible enough, it needed to change, not them.  They felt they would never be able to not be angry when faced with it (and, ultimately, that they should be angry.  It was their anger of the injustice that felt compassionate, if you will).

 

Our anger only fuels the issue, though.  Answering anger with anger only builds the negativity in situation.

 

Truly, the only thing we can change, the only thing we can control, is ourselves;  our reactions in any one moment.  Imagine Gandhi in your situation.  Would he be able to hold a compassionate heart?  What about the Dalai Lama?  If anyone can, it is possible for you.  We all have the same Divine spark within us.  It is not something reserved for the spiritual greats of the world.  We are all spiritual greats, we just have to tap into the source within us. 

 

Interestingly, it is often in our own transformation that we then are able to transform the situation.

Radio Show Challenge: Negative Emotions

Discussed:  Negative emotions how do they affect you?  What can you do?

Challenge:  Are you feeling anger?  What to do?

1. Make amends. Do what you need to do to make the situation right for you and the other person, if there is someone else.
2. If that doesn’t seem possible (you don’t feel safe with the other person or the other person is really a situation), then you can clear the anger within you. First, fill yourself full of love, acceptance, and compassion. If necessary, picture someone in your mind whom you love very much and let the feeling you have for that person fill your heart. Then picture the challenging person or situation in front of you. Send them all the love you are capable of sending. The first time you do the exercise, you may find that you are only capable of sending 30 seconds of love and that is all. Keep doing it daily for as long as it takes to feel full love for the person.

Quotes that came up:

• "Anger makes you smaller while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were." ~Cherie Carter-Scott
• "Anger can be an expression of egoic frustration, but that same anger can give you energy in your practice." ~Sally Kempton

Fabulous thought:  Forgiveness happens you can look at the person or situation and say "Thank you for giving me that experience."

Just Feel Good e-book by Laura