Awaken To Joy

Communication: Seek First to Understand

As my last blog entry for this topic, I want to add my final thought around compassionate communication.  Ultimately, I think the key to truly compassionate communication is seeking to completely hear and understand someone before seeking to be understood ourselves.  Once someone feels heard fully, they are much more likely to be in a place to help you be heard as well. 

 

All of the work we are doing this year is about being able to be in such a place that we have space between our thoughts and our actions so we can be at choice around what we do and say.  We can pause long enough to hear someone else.  We can pause long enough to then choose words that won’t hurt the other individual.

 

Who do you need to hear today?

 

Communication: Responding to Negative Messages

How do you respond to a negative message from someone?  Where do you go with your thoughts and words when someone labels you with a negative adjective (i.e., self-centered, pessimistic, irritating) disagrees with your opinion, or honks at you while you are driving your car.

 

In Dr. Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication, he discusses the four ways we can respond to a negative statement from another.  We can blame ourselves (“Yes, you are probably right.” or  “Oh my, what could I have done wrong!”).  We can blame the other person.  (“How dare you say that!”).  We can sense our own needs and feelings (“I feel hurt when you say that to me.”).  Or we can sense the other person’s needs and feelings.  (“Wow, you sound irritated!”)  

 

I brought this idea up on one of the teleclasses and asked everyone where they fell in the range of responses.  All of us agreed that we were currently or had been in the past, in the first two choices, blaming ourselves or blaming the other person.  A few participants also realized that they had shifted from there and we discussed how they did it.

 

One person told of how she had gained perspective in situations.  She had risen in the building of consciousness through the work of this year and other awareness work she is doing so she is now able to understand situations from a higher level.  She is now aware that both parties have responsibility and both parties have needs and feelings that are probably going unvoiced.  She is rising above the details of the moment, the actual words, and getting to the foundation.  Although she did admit she is still miles from being able to help the other person get the root of their feelings and is still working on getting through her own.

 

Another person commented that she was now beginning to understand that she has needs that she doesn’t express openly and that is her responsibility in any conversation if she wants those needs to be met.  With that understanding came the realization that others have unspoken needs as well; needs that they are not voicing as well that are behind their words.  That idea has allowed her to gain a higher perspective too.

 

Finally, one participant found that now that she is finally comfortable with taking responsibility for herself and her actions, she wants to give others space to do the same for themselves.

 

Where do you fall in the range of responses?

 

Communication: Separate vs. Connected Communication

On our teleclass, I asked everyone if they recognized in the moment whether they were communicating with someone in a connected way vs. a separate way.  In other words, when they are actually hearing the other person and know the other person is hearing them vs. not.

 

When I asked the question, there was an audible “oh yeah” from everyone.  We all seemed to agree that telling the difference was incredibly obvious and easy.  The connected conversation was calm, peaceful, and effortless.  The separate conversation was frustrating and led us to become easily irritated. 

 

I found it interesting that we all agreed that connected conversations were effortless.  Then, why do we not have them all the time?  It is so easy to say, “because the other person isn’t in a compassionate state” but recall the last two blog entries – it is only about us, not them.  No, the effort involved in being compassionate is not in the conversation itself, it is in all the preparation we do to first find our compassion and then remain compassionate when we are in conversation.  If our compassion elicits peace from the other person, all the more wonderful.  At least our anger doesn’t begin the ripple effect of negativity.

 

All this preparation and initial effort is worthwhile when you think of the outcome – effortless communication with those we love.  The effort it takes to handle the residual of a separate conversation is much more challenging.

Communication: The Challenges: Part II

I want to continue with what I began last week – how to handle the really challenging communication.  One of the participants of the call last month mentioned a conversation she had with someone who was really negative.  As much as the YLC participant tried to pull the individual away from the negativity and to a more positive subject, the negative person kept coming back to the negative place.

 

I want to reiterate what I said last week, compassionate communication does not mean “helping” someone see the “light”.  It is not our job to teach someone how to be compassionate or to “make” them positive.  Our job as compassionate communicators is to be compassionate with them, right where they are and to help them feel heard and understood.

 

This can be particularly difficult when the individual is not hearing you.   I am beginning to see that truly compassionate communication is when we help the other person be fully heard before we even begin to express what is going on inside of us – a challenging job!

Communication: The Challenges

Let me begin with a quote from one of the participants of last month’s call:  “I find that I do already apply the principles of NVC communication with a few adults who I am close to, but that these principles are difficult to apply (judgment here) with people who are difficult. There are a couple people in my life who are so hardened that no amount of compassion seems to soften them. While I go away feeling better if I communicate with compassion with these people, I have a limit as to how much communicating I am willing to do with them.” 

 

Ah, yes, the perennial question, how do we keep our center in the difficult places?  I was tested on this one last week and failed miserably.  I was faced with a teenager with predictable teenage attitude and I couldn’t hack it.  The irony is our exchange was based on communication – exactly what I am “suppose” to be focusing on this month!  This individual prides herself on being literal and exacting in her language and expects the same out of others.  The challenge is she perceives things from her limited, human perspective (as we all do) and often misunderstands the situation. She then assumes she is the only one seeing clearly since she is the only one who was “exact” in her communication, that there is only one way any words said can be taken. 

 

Isn’t that what is often at the base of “difficult” situations? -- the fact that neither party can see another way?  That we have limited perspective?  They may have the same ideas they always do.  They may have the same negative emotions they always do.  They may have the same attitude toward you they always do.  It can be remarkably difficult when faced with such rigidity.  But it is not about changing them, it is about grounding yourself so strongly in compassion that their darkness doesn’t effect you.  When we get strong enough, our light can effect their darkness, but let’s begin with you.

 

So what do you do?  I have two suggestions.  The first is to practice holding your compassionate place consciously in easy situations.  Get adept with your loved ones, the ones with whom it is easy to practice compassion.  Then practice with those with whom you have neutral feelings.  Then begin to imagine yourself with the challenging person in an easy situation.  Then in a more challenging situation.  See yourself as remaining grounded and loving and compassionate no matter what that other person is saying or doing.  You may begin by only holding on to your loving place for a few seconds.  You will get stronger and it will get easier. 

 

My second suggestion is soul preparation.  When you know you are going to be with that person again, do all that you can before hand to fill yourself full of love and compassion.  Get yourself in an amazing place so no matter where they are, you will only be sending compassion.  It doesn’t matter whether they accept it or not – you can only control you.  (We will discuss that more next month with Spiritual Practice).

 

As for me, I plan to practice this myself.  The challenging individual for my is also someone I love very much – someone for whom all of this work is worth it.  I want to know how to send her love and compassion even when she is in her challenging teen years (or perhaps especially when she is in her challenging teen years.)

 

Communication: Begins with Yourself

One participant made a wonderful point – you cannot communicate well, with a compassionate heart, unless you are speaking that way to yourself. 

 

She realized that her internal communication wasn’t as positive as she wanted it to be and it often created a negative internal environment for her.  From that environment, it was difficult to be anything but negative in expressing herself.  She discovered that to be externally compassionate, internal compassion needed to happen first.

 

This idea prompted another participant to ask her how it was she knew her internal environment was negative.  She said the easiest thing to do was turn to her feelings – how was she feeling in that moment.  Happy and free?  Weighed down and fearful?  Your feelings will always reveal the answers.

 

Communication: Remembering

One topic that came up on the teleclass was how to remember to check yourself to see if you are evaluating or merely observing.  Observing is just noting precisely what is happening.  Evaluating is injecting your opinion or ideas into the observation.  The evaluation can be positive or negative, either way it interferes with us seeing what is really happening.  As one participant commented, “Those evaluations just slip right in!  How do I remember to keep bringing my attention to my thoughts and noticing?”

 

Three ideas came out of the class.  The first is to use your Focus Area (as discussed in the Pre-Assignment Module).  One of the reasons I asked you to select a Focus Area is to help increase your awareness in that area.  Hopefully it is easier to be more conscious there. 

 

The second is to use a “remembrancer”, or something that helps you remember to check in with what you are thinking.  It can be a bracelet or other jewelry, a stone in your pocket, a sticky on your planner, wherever you will be reminded of it regularly.  Your remembrancer must be something you don’t use frequently because it won’t catch your attention.

 

The third idea comes from my spiritual tradition.  Every Friday we have a “spiritual fast”, a time to be particularly conscious of being in a kind and loving state.  I find on Fridays I am much more attuned to my thoughts because of the habit I have instilled on this day.  Of course, the goal is to have that consciousness extend to other days of the week, and it does, but Fridays are always special.

 

One participant mentioned that she just noticed she was not evaluating as much and attributed it to the work she has already done this year.  She is just naturally in a more conscious, positive state.

 

How do you remember?

Communication: Lost Opportunity

“I feel so sentenced by your words, I feel so judged and sent away, before I go I've go to know is that what you mean to say? Before I rise to my defense, before I speak in hurt or fear, before I build that wall of words, tell me, did I really hear? Words are windows, or they're walls, They sentence us, or set us free. When I speak and when I hear, let the lovelight shine through me. There are things I need to say, things that mean so much to me, if my words don't make me clear, will you help me to be free? If I seemed to put you down, if you felt I didn't care, try to listen through my words to the feelings that we share."

 

-Ruth Bebermeyer

 

I had an experience recently with a friend that demonstrates perfectly what Ruth Bebermeyer is saying in her poem.  I was with a friend who has a teenage son.  He had a tantrum over something small, completely lost his composure, and ran off.  I learned about this as my friend frantically searched for him.  She was absolutely furious with him and found her anger growing as she searched. 

 

The miscommunication came from me.  I assumed, without asking her and helping her uncover her feelings, that she was angry that he had had a temper tantrum.  Through my misunderstanding, I kept trying to “help” her remember how wonderful her son is and that she loves him deeply and that he is hurt too.  As someone who is prone to emotional outbursts (as my friend is not), I also tried to “explain” his behavior away.  (I keep using quotes due to my sheer embarrassment to this day that I thought I was helping her!)

 

I did receive a clue as to what she was really feeling when she just mentioned as an aside the this was the son who kept trying to run away as a child (he is now 13 years old).  I didn’t even notice the clue, though, since I was already well down a different road.  It didn’t dawn on me until later in the day that her expression of “anger” was really a deep fear that he had run away.  I am well aware that by not taking the time to discover with her what was actually bothering her, my “helping” was really just very annoying.

 

Although I am not sure what went on between the two of them when she finally found him, a strong possibility is the disconnect continued and she expressed anger to him instead of the fear she was really feeling.  If I had taken the few minutes it would have taken to actually listen to her instead of assuming I knew what she was thinking, we would have had a better connection and together we may have uncovered her true feelings which then may have translated into a better connection with her son.

 

As Sri Harold Klemp says, “We are responsible for all the ripples created in others by our anger, as well as the ripples they in turn pass along to the next group.”  I think that can apply to the ripples of compassion as well.  When we stop and take the time to really hear another individual or make sure they really heard what we said, we build on connecting with others and that connection is carried in the heart of the other person to be passed on to someone else.

 

Radio Show Challenge: Communication

Topic:  Communication From the Heart

Challenge:  Pay attention to how you are feeling when you are called to communicate. Is now a good time?  Is there anything you can do to be in a better space?

Quotes:

“I will listen to more than the words
being spoken to me...
listen for the heart expression...
search out their meaning,
and then speak from my own heart.”

~ Lance Wubbels

"I have often regretted my speech, never my silence." ~Bert Doane
 “…because sometimes we block our own blessings because we are not listening with our listening ears.  We are not hearing with our open heart…”  (Lisa Nichols)
"Deep listening from the heart is one half of true communication. Speaking from the heart is the other half." ~ Sara Paddison